


Reality TV

by carmenta



Category: Vampire Chronicles - Rice
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-12-01
Updated: 1998-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-08 02:41:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/71853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carmenta/pseuds/carmenta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The dangers of television. Crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reality TV

Lestat: Louis! David!

_(both come running from varios directions)_

Louis: What's happened? Are you alright?

Lestat: Oh yeah, I'm fine. But take a look at this and tell me that I'm a genius. _(points at the VRC)_

David _(carefully)_: Our video recorder. Definitely an intriguing machine and worth seeing. What did you do, have you finally found out how to program it?

Lestat: David, leave the sarcasm to Armand, it doesn't suit you.

_(Armand and Daniel come in)_

Lestat: Speaking of the devil. But today not even Armand can spoil my triumph.

Daniel _(to Louis and David)_: What's he up to now?

David: I don't want to know.

Lestat: Everybody listen to me! I built a machine that allows me to enter any movie I want.

Armand: Oh, really? Have you been feeding on junkies again?

Lestat _(ignoring him)_: Allow me to demonstrate you..._(inserts a video, takes the remote control and presses some buttons. A sudden flash.)_

Armand: Great. Something has short-circuated.

Lestat: Your mind, I suppose.

Daniel: Uh, guys, I don't want to interrupt you, but- where the hell are we?

_(They are standing on a muddy street, in the middle of a thunderstorm. A giant fence is at one side.)_

David: I don't know...but it looks familiar.

Armand: What video did you put in, Lestat?

Lestat: I'm not sure. You know that I always forget to put the labels on the cassettes.

Louis: Take a look at that. _(points at a crashed car)_

Daniel: And now look at that. _(points at something behind Armand)_

Armand: Look at what-AAAHHH!

_(a T-Rex has stepped out of the woods and is now sitting in the middle of the street.)_

Lestat: Now I know where we are. I always thought I didn't tape that movie.

David: That's fascinating. That animal has been extinct for 65 million years, and now a surviving one - we have to call Greenpeace immediately, somebody might kill the poor thing.

Daniel: Um, David, I don't want to interrupt, but that's a bloody dinosaur looking at us in a sort of hungry way. Aren't you worried?

_(the T-Rex comes closer and sniffs at Armand, who doesn't dare to move)_

Louis: Oh no! Lestat, do something!

Lestat: Why? Do you think he might harm poor Rexie?

_(T-Rex opens his mouth, revealing fangs every vampire would kiss Maharet for)_

Daniel: *wailing* Lestaaat!

Lestat: Ok, ok. _(steps in front of Armand)_ I'm sure I'll regret this one day.

Louis: _(buries his head in Daniel's shoulder)_ I can't look at that! Daniel, tell me when it's over.

Lestat _(at the dino)_: Listen, Rexie. My name is Lestat de Lioncourt, and I'm a vampire. Now piss off, and you'll get an autograph.

T-Rex: *growl*

Lestat: What a pity. No wonder that you're extinct. _(T-Rex explodes, covering everybody but Lestat in dino pieces)_

Armand: I never thought I would say that once. Thanks, Lestat. But did you have to blow him up? That suit was new!

  
Back in the flat...

_(Marius enters, looks for the others and sits down on the couch when he can't find anybody. He notices that the TV is on and changes the video tape because he doesn't like Jurassic Park)_

  
In the VRC

_(another flash)_

Lestat: _(looks around)_ Wow!

Daniel: _(who has been covering his eyes and is now cautiously removing his hands)_ Omigod!

Louis: _(seeing an army attacking in their direction)_ Mon dieu!

Armand: _(turning around and facing another army that is storming towards them)_ HELP!

David _(beams at the others)_ Isn't that great? Thanks for taping Braveheart, Lestat!

Louis: _(looking from one army to another)_ We have to do something! They will reach us any second!

David: Don't you think this is wonderful? No living historians have ever had the chance to see Scots attacking.

Armand: _(staring at the waved swords in horror)_ I think I know why there are no living ones.

Lestat: Don't be so negative, I really like this. I wonder who changed the tape before.

Louis. Changed the tape? You mean we're in the hands of the person who uses the VRC?

Armand: Lestat! How could you possibly do this!

Daniel: _(pouncing)_ I think I have spotted Mel Gibson! Do you think I can get an autograph? _(Armand slaps him)_ Ouch! Why did you do that? I thought we agreed never to do it in public...

Armand: Shut up, Daniel.

Lestat: Oh, do continue Danny...

Louis: *grave* Ok. The armies will reach us in about ten seconds...eight...five...I'm glad that I knew you all...two...one...

  
\- FLASH -

Armand: _(blinking)_ What's happened?

Lestat: I assume that the mysterious watcher has changed the tape again. What film do you think we are in now?

Daniel: Absolutely no idea. But I think we're in a library.

_(Louis and David are examining the books, making little noises of excitement and happiness)_

Lestat: That's strange...I remember watching this, I think.

Daniel: Well?

Lestat: If I'm not mistaken, this is -

Armand: Ouch! _(looking down at the stake that is sticking in his heart, then turning and facing a blond girl)_ That shirt was new! Do you have an idea how difficult it is to get blood stains off silk?

Buffy: _(staring at him)_ Why didn't you crumble into dust?

Armand: *snapping* Because I'm not Count Dracula. And now take that stake out, or there will be screams!

Daniel: _(eyes gleaming)_ Really? Oh Armand, I love you!

Armand: Shut up, Daniel. Young lady, I'm waiting for your excuse.

Lestat: Don't be so unfriendly, Armand. She's just doing her job.

Armand: I don't care if she's doing her job! She ruined my shirt! _(throws himself at Buffy - )_

  
\- FLASH -

_(- and lands on the floor. The stake has mysteriously disappeared)_

Daniel: Are you alright, beloved? _(Armand nods and lets himself being pulled to his feet)_

Louis: Why did we leave? I liked it back there.

David: They had some interesting books on demons I've never heard of.

Lestat: I'll lend you the tape if you want, okay? But now let's find out where we are, shall we?

Daniel: That's not so difficult this time. Just look who's coming.

Darth Vader: I have already expected you...though I thought you would come alone. _(grips the struggling Armand at the throat)_ Strange, you don't look anything like your parents, Luke.

Armand: *choking* Let...go...Lestat, you're...going...to suffer...for this...

Darth Vader: Let's end it. _(switches on the light saber)_

Daniel: Lestat, do something!

Lestat: Hum? Sorry, I was watching the black guy. Do you think that cape would suit me?

Louis: You've got to save Armand!

Lestat: If it has to be...*muttering* why do _I_ always have to save the imp?

Armand: _(wriggling out of Vader's grip)_ Hey you bastard, that hurt!

Darth Vader: The Force is strong in you, Luke.

Armand: And stop calling me Luke!

  
\- FLASH -

David: Where are we now? Where did the man with the mask go?

Daniel: Dunno. But this here is pretty good music.

Lestat: Listen, fledgling. _My_ music is good. This is merely average.

_(two men in black suits, black hats and sunglasses pass the guys)_

Louis: Who are they? Lestat, you didn't tape mafia films again, did you?

Daniel: I can't believe that you don't know them, Louis.

Armand: Surely you have heard 'It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses' before.

Louis: Erm...no. Should I?

Daniel: Well, yes! This is one of the best movies ever made.

Lestat: _(staring at the police chasing the Blues Brothers)_ Hey, this is going to be fun! I've always wanted to see that car chase in real life. _(he ushers all of them into a Morris Minor and follows the pulk)_

David: Armand, get your elbow away from my ribs!

Armand: Don't go on me, this is all Lestat's fault! Daniel, where are you?

Daniel: *muffled* Somewhere under the seats, I think. Can you please take your feet off of me?

Louis: _(on the passenger seat)_ Lestat, do you have to drive that fast?

Lestat: Yep.

Louis: Aha. _(starts praying)_

Armand: Lestat, just because you can't get hurt in a crash it doesn't mean that your passengers are invulnerable too! Slow down!

Daniel: What's happening? Why is everything trembling?

David: That's interesting, I thought the Morris Minor couldn't go 120 miles per hour...

Armand: Lestat! Don't go on the second lane, there's a truck coming!

Daniel: I don't want to die in a bloody movie!

Louis: And I don't even know this one!

  
\- FLASH -

Daniel: Am I dead?

Louis: Well, since you're a vampire, I'd say yes.

Daniel: I didn't mean dead, I meant _dead_. Anyway, where are we now?

Lestat: Um..._(looks around)_ Help!

Armand: What is it?

Lestat: Will you look at this!

Armand: _(follows Lestat's stare)_ What could be so horr- aaaahh!

Louis: Didn't you drag me into that movie, mon cher?

Lestat: _(nods)_ I should have never bought the video.

David: What film is this? _(all give him an incredulous glance)_

Daniel: You don't know that movie? Where do you live?

David: I don't follow the current trends all the time.

Daniel: Well, welcome to the 90's.

Armand: *low voice* Lestat, do you think I can kill him?

Lestat: You would certainly do the world a favour. But perhaps you should leave him alone, he won't survive anyway.

Armand: *sigh*

Louis: I remember when the newspapers were full of this...nobody expected this to happen.

Rose: Erm...excuse me...this is a drawing session, you know.

Daniel: Don't worry, nobody is looking at you voluntarily.

Jack: _(staring at Armand)_ Wow, that ship is full of redheads!

Armand: My hair is not red!

Jack: May I draw you?

Armand: No!

Lestat. Oh, c'mon sweetie, let the guy do a picture of you. I want a souvenier.

Armand: Then he will draw you. I've been sitting for a painter for years, I won't start again now!

Jack: But I want to draw the redhead!

Armand: My. Hair. Is. Not. Red.

David: _(noticing Rose)_ Young lady, you shouldn't be lying around like this!

Daniel: Don't look at her, you might get blinded!

Jack: But why not?

Armand: Because.

Lestat: You've always been bad at argueing logically, mon petit.

Jack: Red hair is so vivid...argh!

Armand: _(tightening his grip at Jack's throat)_ Listen, smartass! Either you shut up now, or this movie will be a lot shorter!

  
_(Some hours later. All vamps are sitting on an ice floe)_

Louis: I can't believe that you killed him.

Daniel: Well, he told him to shut up, didn't you, sweetheart?

Armand: That jerk has deserved it...death was merciful considering what he said.

Louis: But he only called you a redhe- _(stops when Armand glances at him)_ Anyway, did you have to steer the ship against an iceberg?

Lestat: Oh Louis, that was the best he could possibly do. Can you think of any other way to dispose of a drained body?

Louis: But when the ship sank, the fires went out...and they were so beautiful...the flames dancing in the ovens, the sparkling lights...

David: Have you taken his lighters?

Daniel: Of course. All thirteen boxes he had with him.

David: Well done.

Armand: I still don't understand why the captain made such a fuss of it.

Louis: Perhaps because the ship would have missed the iceberg if it hadn't been for you.

Lestat: Mon cher, don't you understand? The unsinkable Titanic not sinking is like Armand not being into bondage.

Armand: _(about to push Lestat off of the ice floe)_ Watch what you say!

Daniel: _(to David and Louis)_ Now, how are the odds tonight?

Louis: 3:1 for Lestat, I'd say.

David: You _bet_ on the results of their fights? Aren't you afraid for them?

Daniel: They usually remember that they love each other deep inside. And until then we just remove all fragile furniture.

Louis: You will get used to it soon, don't worry. They can't break anything here.

David: _(stares at Lestat melting the ice floe around Armand)_ Erm...are you sure about this?

Daniel: Not anymore. Sh*t, these clothes were practically new.

Louis: What's wrong with them?

Daniel: Oh, nothing. They just don't take ice-cold water that well.

Louis: Water? You mean we're sinking?

Daniel: Yep.

David: Oh no, we're going to die!

Daniel: Get a grip on yourself, man! Ever heard of a vampire drowning in the Atlantic?

David: *sniff* No...

Louis: See? You'll be perfectly alright.

Daniel: Though there is a first for everything...

Louis: _(trying to calm the sobbing David)_ Did you have to say that?

  
\- FLASH -

Daniel: _(looking at David)_ Now tell me where you can possibly drown here.

Armand: Where are we now?

Louis: You won't like the answer, Armand.

Lestat: Oh Louis, isn't this wonderful? Surely you remember the decades we spent together in here!

Armand: _(realization dawining)_ Oh no! Of all movies he had to pick _this_. I swear I'll kill the person who put the tape into the recorder.

David: Hey, that's our flat.

Daniel: Yes, David, well done. We have already figured that out, wanna catch up?

_(Brad and Kirsten enter, ready to leave)_

Lestat: I've got a bad feeling about this.

_(a very wrinkled and dirty Tom is suddenly sitting at the piano)_

Louis: Really, the makeup is horrible. You looked far worse back then.

Lestat: _(shooting him an angry glance)_ Thank you very much.

_(They watch as Tom attacks and Brad throws the light at him)_

Armand: Good aim, the guy.

_(Tom catches fire, Brad and Kirsten leave)_

Louis: Now isn't that beautiful? All the pretty flames...

Lestat: ...and me burning somewhere in here. Really, really beautiful.

David: May I suggest that we follow the others? I fear we might get stuck in the movie if we don't.

_(they run after Brad and Kirsten)_

  
_(The Theatre des Vampires. Our vamps are sitting in the audience)_

Armand: I can't believe that I have to watch this.

Daniel: You look wonderful in this scene.

Armand: Daniel, I'm portrayed by a thirty-something Spanish guy with hair down to his knees. So if you want to keep your head, don't give me that crap.

Louis: I hope they put on a better play than the last time I was here. Santiago was a comlete miscasting.

Armand: Great, Louis. Why didn't you tell me 150 years before, then I could have done something about it.

David: I can't believe it. The dream of every Talamascan is coming true for me...

Daniel: Now don't get too excited, ok?

_(the play starts)_

Lestat: God, the plays I used to act were way better.

David: Be quiet, Lestat. I want to watch this.

Armand: _(spotting Antonio)_ Please tell me that I don't look like this!

Daniel: _(patting his shoulder)_ Of course not, beloved.

_(they follow the action until the burning of the theatre)_

Louis: _(with bright eyes)_ Now isn't this great! What a sight!

  
_(Brad is fighting Santiago)_

Armand: And that's how my career as a director ended.

Louis: _(watching Brad and Stephen)_ Die, foul fiend! Diediedie!

Lestat: David, remind me to hide all scythes along with the lighters.

  
_(The last scene. Tom is draining Christian)_

Daniel: Now that's a nice ending. At least Lestat didn't make me wait for a decade.

Armand: What do you mean with this?

Lestat: He says that he'd rather be bitten by me than by you. Understandable.

Armand: Shut up, Lestat. Daniel, I hope you don't mean what you just said.

Louis: Calm down, Armand. I'm sure there is nothing between them. _(shoots Lestat a suspicious glance)_ Is there mon cher?

Lestat: Of course not. Do you really think I would leave you for _him_

Daniel: Thanks a lot. I happen to have feelings too, you know.

_(Sympathy for the Devil starts)_

Lestat: *singing* Please allow me to introduce myself...

_(all others cover their ears and wait until he's finished)_

Armand: And they say the Spice Girls can't sing.

Lestat: I love that song. Are you all ready to leave?

Daniel: Hum?

Lestat: Are you ready to leave the VRC?

Armand: You mean we could have returned at any time?

Lestat: Mhm.

Armand: Lestat! How could you not tell us!

Lestat: I forgot. Do you want to return?

Louis: Yes, the credits are already starting.

Lestat: _(takes out the remote control and presses some buttons)_ Here we go!

  
\- FLASH -

_(they all stand next to the VRC. Marius is sitting on the couch, watching the credits of Interview With The Vampire)_

Marius: Hello, I didn't hear you coming.

Armand: I can't believe that it was you who changed the tapes.

Marius: Pardon me?

Daniel: _(slumping down on next to him)_ Don't ask.

Lestat: _(rummaging in a drawer and finally producing a video)_ Anyone want to go into the Rocky Horror Show with me?

All: Lestat!


End file.
